Wednesday, December 20, 2006


I am writing this the same day that President Bush announced the "need" for larger armed forces. His apparent strategy for dealing with the Iraq Study Group Report recommendations is to basically say, "Screw them. I'm still the Decider, and I'm deciding that war's OK, just as long as I can have my vacations on schedule and not have to ask anyone to PAY for all this. I can just feel it. Mah luck's gonna change, and them A-rabs is gonna love me - maybe not for awhile, you unnerstand - but when they're free like I am, they'll know it was worth so many of them dying. As for Amurcins, hell, they'll forget pretty much everything as soon as the NFL playoffs start. Heh, heh."
And so it goes. Congress has for decades given up the power to require a declaration of war, and their remaining power, to de-fund ongoing operations, is about as likely to pass as Cheney winning the next clay pidgeon shootoff. They just seem unable to get through to the guy to say,"THE ENTIRE WORLD NOW THINKS YOU'RE WRONG". Heck, that's exactly what gets the guy's juices flowing.
It has gotten so that the news media has taken up another cottage industry - picking the location of the next war. I'm not kidding. You see columns with titles like "Actions of ---Government Merit Serious Attention" as though we were now officially the parent of the world, charged with enforcing good behaivior not only by the nations themselves, but by everyone within each country. I don't want to sound like an isolationist, but it seems that G.I. Joe is now our main export, replacing movies of debatable quality.
Here's the current list of enemy wannabes. I'm adding the odds of invasion within the next two years, as long as big W sits as Commander in Chief. No doubt there's something like this "for real" in London, where they're always making odds on something new and exciting:
1. Iran, 1-3 The Iranians themselves haven't attacked anyone in a thousand years, but there's all that money recycled from our gas pumps to various insurgencies. Besides, any country with a president who won't even wear a tie is just begging to be taught a violent lesson in proper respect. Regime change? Oh, yeah, baby.
2. North Korea, 1-5 That nasty Kim Jong Il thinks he's so smart just because he could press a button and do major damage to Seoul. We'll fix him. Today it's an embargo on DVD's. Next, it will be a bunker buster sent s.y.d. (see you dead).
3. China, 1-10 We've been thinking that sooner or later having free markets (sort of) leads to freedom itself, but things just aren't going fast enough. Sure, they make every item on the Wal-Mart shelf, but you can always find people who can work for cheap somewhere. Can you imagine the contracts Halliburton would get for rebuilding a country that big? Whoo-ee!
4. Syria, 1-12 We were hoping the Israelis would take them out earlier this year, but the old dictator's boy is still in charge. Maybe we should remind them of what it means to be on a Crusade.
5. Venezuela, 1-15 Sure, there's a place for a leader named Chavez, but it's working in the lettuce fields, not snubbing his nose at us at the UN. Now, remind me, just how much oil do those lucky folks have underground?
6. Cuba, 1-20 Well, they haven't actually asked us to come liberate them yet, but they're thinking about it, and when they ask, we'll be ready. Maybe even if they don't. We'll call it "Preemptive Freedomizing". Oh, I like that.
After that bunch of would-be victims, the odds get longer for places like Mexico, France, and Kazakstan (that Borat guy's so funny!), but you can be sure that if your country's name doesn't start with "United States of America" that there's a plan on a shelf at the Pentagon to turn it into high class rubble. Canada? Absolutely. The Vatican? Yup, but as part of the plan for Italy. New Mexico? Hey, now you're getting silly.
Peace on Earth? Hey, we're working on it. We just have to make sure it's on our terms, knowhutahmean?


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