In Baghdad

I guess I had sort of promised to get away from politics in order to show mercy to everyone who is in media overload on the whole business. But try as I might, I....can't ....break ...free.... .Political...power.....too...strong. Sorry.
In the unlikely event that you are an undecided voter, here are some nonpartisan clues I find useful in trying to see who's telling (or maybe closer to telling) the truth. Candidates who seem determined to be the loudest often do so in order to cover up something. When a candidate says"..This election really comes down to one simple thing...", then you can be sure whatever is said next is at least an exaggeration, and very possibly a lie. Bill O'Reilly used this one on Letterman last week asking Dave if he wanted us to "win" the war. Perfect question, because Dave isn't going to show by attacking the question that he actually is smart, and of course he doesn't want to be "against victory", because whatever that means, it sure isn't funny.
The week's best sound byte may have come from, who else? Mr. Cheney, who used his usual source (none) to opine that the terrorists want to influence our election, darkly hinting in his usual conspiratorial voice that the bad guys have hooked up with the Dems to bring destruction on us all. That's the kind of statement that works so well on people who don't give such things a second thought. It's a bit like that ridiculous theory that "fighting them there" means "we'll never have to fight them here," as if holding an al Queda membership card doesn't allow one to blow up things in the US as long as there's fighting in Iraq. Hey, even the BUSH folks don't believe that, or they wouldn't find it necessary to listen in on a billion phone calls or so without a warrant looking for people who, in fact, DO want to fight us here.
But what if, for the sake of discussion, various evildoers in Baghdad wanted to skew US elections? Can you imagine the conversation?
Ahmed and Mahmud are fiddling with a TV, trying to get CNN's latest polling data before the 2 hours of electricity expires.
Ahmed screams, "That is not election news, you son of a jaundiced camel, you're watching 'Friends!!'"
Mahmoud replies, "Relax, goat-dropping breath, I'm changing from FOX. Oh, those wicked American anchorwomen. Their blonde hair makes makes my body parts stand at attention."
"But we're supposed to be fixing the 3rd District of Indiana race. It's within the poll's margin of error."
"Does that men we should lob a grenade or two into the marketplace, Wise One?"
"Stupid! You never heard of the October Surprise? We are to attack in the name of the Indiana governor in order to cause confusion in the 3rd District. His name is, ah...Larry the great flying Bird". Our plan willl finish Bush in Indiana forever, or at least until the great Super Bowl."
"Super bowl? I thought we were talking about attacking, not serving dishes."
"Idiot! We must keep all this a secret so that the all-seeing Vice President Cheney doesn't figure out our intents and throw back our own grenades by telling the American heterosexuals of our plan for total world domination."
"I hear you, O large fellow. Our secret is safe with us. But I must ask. Does Cheney watch "Friends" too?
"Fool. All Americans do, except for Secretary Rice. She went to college instead."
"Yes, but that Phoebe. She's such a stitch!"
"Forget about it. We must think only of Indiana."
"But isn't HE a movie star? He is an ally to Israel, no?"
"Oh, never mind."