Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Quotes You'll Never Hear

Last week Karl Rove, the GOP genius credited with having masterminded the last two successful presidential campaigns, was due to testify to a congressional committee trying to get to the bottom of possible corruption in the Justice Department. The committee was left waiting when Rove didn't show, but did allow his attorney to say that Rove was stiffing them by claiming executive privilege, nyah, nyah.
But he doesn't escape judgment here, the unread but true scoop on things political as they unfold. Nope. He gets "quoted" in things that while truthful, will not be heard, mostly for partisan political reasons.
Did you catch that? The president's comments on the economy this week would be an example. I don't recall precisely what he DID say, but it was along the lines of something meaningless like "There, there". What was he thinking? We'll never know, but he absolutely did NOT say "Hey, I read the papers. You think I got a handle on all this economic stuff? I called up the guys who handle my blind trust (That's right. I get a little peek now and then 'cause I'm the Decider, remember?), and I told them to take everything out of the market. Thas' right, all of it. We're gonna use it for mattress stuffing until P-Day. Whassat? P-Day's when I give everyone a pardon, including ole Dick. He'll be so grateful that he'll never squeal on me. Pretty good setup, huh? Oh, yeah. All those other guys get a pardon, too. There'll be so many of 'em they'll be their own little voting block. And guess who they'll be votin' for - asright, ME."
Here's some other quotes we won't hear. Rove: "My absolutely partisan work in the past makes me about as reliable a reporter for FOX News as Saddam Hussein would 'a been reportin' from Baghdad."
Maliki: "Think we've got a democracy here? I'll tell you when we've got a democracy - when we can vote the Americans *&^% out of Iraq! Then we'll vote Exxon Mobile out!"
Karzai: "I think somebody warned me to avoid being the only person in Afghanistan who owned a suit. Now look at me - it's like being mayor of Kabul without the prestige."
John Ashcroft: "Remember that nude female statue we covered up at the Department of Justice? See, that was symbolic, though nobody ever asked. See, we were going from 'full disclosure' to 'not too full disclosure', if you get my drift."
Condi: "You ask why we attacked Iraq? Really? Ah, I'm going to need to ask Dick on that one. Sorry."
Obama: "Watch closely folks. I'm surprised you need to know this. My job right now ain't making decisions, not about the country, anyway. My job's getting elected. And if that doesn't happen, then I'm back to being one vote out of a hundred along with Hilary. You catch my drift?"
Bush again: " I looked into Putin's eyes, and I got the feeling he was a stone-cold killer."
Bush again: "People ask if I thought God wanted me to be president. Actually I do remember getting a vision that contained some words along that line, but I guess I forget to ask in all the excitement why that guy had a forked tail and carried a pitchfork."
Cheney: "You asked for the truth? All right, here it is.............................."
Mitt R: "C'mon. You think a guy like me has any reason at all to go 'huntin' for varmints'? I think I once outsourced a guy to do that and he came back with a squirrel and a possum. I threw up."
McCain: "I'm thinking of appointing myself as running mate. The vice president gets to take lots of naps. ZZZZZ."


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